In Analysis, a slow day allows for a remembrance of days gone by; days when therapy was required. Ralphy battles with his philosophy and his dreams, as his analyst is frustrated and irritated. Balls of string are collected, shoes filled with lard and God is asked to explain wasps. As he recounts his life, Ralphy explains the case of Miss Miller and her unborn murdered husband.
The following session was uncomfortable for Ralphy, as he was again wary about what he was telling the doctor and he had started to think that asking questions about bread and his love life was slightly offensive. To delay any further strange questions, Ralphy told the doctor of his most recent dream in which he had met God.
In the dream, Ralphy had found himself sitting on a cloud next to an old man with a long white beard, a man who looked like Father Christmas with a bit more class and slightly less of a weight problem. It was a fairly traditional image, but it helped Ralphy to realise that he was sitting next to the big man himself. Luckily, Ralphy was not overawed by this revelation, as he did not believe in God, although he had to admit that he was looking awfully healthy for a figment of someone’s imagination.
After inquiring after the big man’s health, Ralphy decided to go on the offensive, as it was not every day that you had the chance to question God. He first asked about beetles and how he could justify creating beasts that were nothing but walking lunches, and stupid walking lunches at that. Why had God decided that there was a great need for wasps in the world? After all, what is the role of the wasp? It buzzes, it flies, and it is annoyed with every other living creature on the planet. He had given the insect an almighty chip on its shoulder and not given it the sense to realise how small it was. The Nazis of the insect world, they had a life that seemingly consisted of anger and rolled up newspapers.
The Almighty One was not at all pleased with this frivolous conversation and he began to get a little annoyed. He interrupted Ralphy in the middle of a question about goats cheese, to put a couple of his own points across, after all it may have been Ralphy’s dream but this was some guest star. He explained that things had not gone according to plan at all, more according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John; John in particular annoyed him, as all his talk of apocalypses and the like had greatly hyped his comeback into a big budget production. Even the basics had been taken in the wrong way, such as free will. It was free-wheel he had said; after all, with famine, flood, pestilence and disease rife how much free will did one have.
Sending his son to earth was a complete public relations disaster and he had done nothing but apologise to Jesus ever since. He was however, pleased with the book sale figures, which had been so good that he was considering a sequel; although he was still toying with the concept of new characters. God was really opening up, when an angel appeared and, apologising for interrupting, announced that ‘Old Nick’ had popped up to chat over a few ideas for the coming decade. God sighed and said that ‘it was good’, whatever that meant, before saying farewell and leaving Ralphy. Just as he was disappearing, he turned and smiling, said that all things considered he still found wasps funny. At this point Ralphy awoke feeling strangely calm and warm, with a bright light beaming at him. He got off the kitchen table, turned out the light and went to the bathroom to wash the custard off.